


you may say i'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only one

by cabaretgay



Category: Love Simon (2018), Simonverse | Creekwood Series - Becky Albertalli
Genre: I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Mostly Movieverse, Youtube AU, but alice exists, i'm back bitches, mostly im just mad that alice wasn't in the movie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:34:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24069718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cabaretgay/pseuds/cabaretgay
Summary: In which Bram and Simon are YouTubers.
Relationships: Bram Greenfeld/Simon Spier
Comments: 5
Kudos: 85





	1. un

**Author's Note:**

> well, i guess i just couldn't stay away.
> 
> thanks to n for helping me with some aspects of the emails. title comes from imagine by john lennon.

**SIMON**

“Well, that was honestly my favorite music video I’ve reacted to on this channel for a while! Thanks, everyone, for tuning in, and I hope you have a great day. Simon says hit that subscribe button, and Simon says goodbye.” Simon waved to the camera as his roommate Nick hit the button to stop the recording.

“Favorite, huh?” Nick asked casually, sticking the lens cap back on the camera and popping the memory card from its slot. “You did seem pretty entranced, but you _really_ liked that one with the white piano and the paint. _This is Gospel_? Is that what it’s called?”

Simon laughed. “The acoustic version, yup. And yeah, I do think this is one of my new favorites. I really dug the message. I liked _Imagine_ as a song before today, but Pentatonix makes everything better.”

Simon unclipped his mic, heart and mind racing. He hadn’t screened this video—the Pentatonix cover of John Lennon’s _Imagine_ —before filming the reaction. He never really did, because it would spoil the genuine reactions that made his YouTube channel thrive. This was a special instance in which Simon wished he had watched the video first, because had he known about the signs the singers held up in the video—one in particular—he might not have used it.

It wasn’t that Simon was opposed to any of the labels on the signs. Quite the opposite, actually; he thought the video was overwhelmingly beautiful, in a time that needed overwhelming beauty. It was just… the first sign, the one Mitch Grassi held up, the one that Simon related to most. LGBTQ+.

Simon was gay, he was sure of it, and _that_ was the problem. He was gay, and he was closeted (though he wasn’t sure he _wanted_ to be, anymore), and when he had seen the thick letters written on the sign in Mitch’s hands… he might have had a _little_ bit of an internal freak-out.

Okay, he might have had a _lot_ bit of an internal freak-out.

But it was okay, right? No one would notice, right? It hadn’t shown on his face… right?

Simon snapped back to the present as Nick’s hand snapped in front of his face. “Earth to Simon,” Nick said, holding out the memory card. Simon took it wordlessly, sitting down on his bed and plugging it into his laptop.

As the files copied, Nick looked over at Simon again. “What’s up with you, dude? Something’s off.”

“Nothing,” said Simon. “It’s… it’s nothing.” The first video had copied to the laptop, so Simon opened the file and hit the space bar. The lighting was fine, and he was in focus. _Shit_. There was no way he could pass off not posting the video, especially since Nick had been so involved in filming this one. He raised his head again, watching Nick take a seat on his desk chair and kicking his feet up.

Nick didn’t look like he believed Simon—actually, he looked at Simon with complete and utter knowledge that something was up—but he didn’t press. That was one reason Simon really appreciated Nick. He knew when to push, when Simon needed to talk stuff out, but he also knew that there were things Simon just wasn’t ready to talk about. He was a real bro.

Simon changed the subject. “So, how’s soccer going? Do you have practice today?”

“Nah, I’m skipping,” said Nick. “Some friends from the team wanted to do a collab video.”

There came a knock at the door, sharp and quick.

“Speak of the devil!” Nick exclaimed, getting up to open the door. Simon returned his attention to the computer, moving the files to the desktop, and ejected the card. He stood up to put the card back in the camera, and as he was erasing the contents of the card to leave room for the next video he’d film, he stole a glance at Nick’s friends.

They were both built like soccer players, lean but muscular. One, the taller of the two, was clapping Nick on the back in a hug, while the other one seemed to be taking in the dorm. His eyes swept across the room, landing on the Hamilton playbill above Simon’s bed, the Hufflepuff badge on his backpack, the soccer balls and dirty laundry on Nick’s side of the room.

Simon put the camera back on the desk and walked over to the quiet boy… and his suspicions were confirmed. He was cute. Taller than Simon, more muscular, with observant eyes.

“Hey, sorry the dorm’s a mess,” Simon blurted.

The boy looked taken aback, and Simon watched as his dark eyes flicked back to Simon’s own. “Oh—that’s okay, no worries.” His voice was deep, soft.

“I’m Simon.”

“Bram. That’s Garrett.”

Bram. A cute name for a cute boy. Simon was acutely aware of how obscenely bad of an idea it was to start crushing on a boy, mostly because he was closeted. But—

Those observant eyes.

Those soccer calves.

Would coming out really be _that_ bad?

Nick spoke. “Okay, guys, let’s FIFA!”

And so Simon dismissed himself, heading back to his bed and pulling up his editing program on the laptop. He found himself distracted, though, within five minutes; it was partly because of the noise and partly because of Bram.

He gave up editing and went to sit on the floor, back against Nick’s bed, to watch the boys play FIFA.

*

As Garrett and Bram left, and Nick walked them out of the dorm to the street, Simon found himself editing on the bed again. His first watchthrough of the footage had been a distracted one, so he plugged in his headphones and pressed play, ready to give the video his attention.

It was a good video. Nick was a talented videographer, and the song had sparked some real emotion in Simon. He found himself nodding along to the words, even singing along with them in his head. And when Mitch Grassi raised the LGBTQ+ sign, he noticed a little spark in the eyes of the Simon on the screen.

He looked up at the mirror across from his bed. There was a spark in the eyes of the Simon in the mirror.

Simon paused the video, rummaging through the blankets for his phone. Nick reentered the dorm, and Simon took a deep breath.

“Nick, can we talk? And can I invite Leah and Abby up here?”

He felt Nick’s eyes on him, and there was a short silence before Nick replied. “Yeah, sure, buddy. Everything okay?”

Simon nodded, pulling up his groupchat with his friends. The groupchat in question went back to over a year prior—the friends had met as seniors, on a Tumblr pairing game for YouTubers. They were just seniors in high school then, and had bonded so quickly they’d all decided to go to college together. It helped that they all lived in Georgia. Already, it felt like Leah, Nick, and Abby had been in Simon’s life forever, and not just for a year.

**(2:30pm) Simon:** hey guys, want to come over to mine?  
 **(2:31pm) Nick:** hey, I live here too  
 **(2:31pm) Leah:** yeah, sure, Si, all good?  
 **(2:31pm) Simon:** yes, nick, I know, but I couldn’t figure out how to say “nick’s and mine” without it sounding weird  
 **(2:32pm) Simon:** yeah leah, we’re good, I’ll tell you when you get here  
 **(2:32pm) Abby:** we’re on our way

Simon shut off his phone and closed his eyes, leaning back on the unmade bed. It was quiet in the room for a while—Simon could tell Nick wanted to say something, but he didn’t—until the door opened and Leah strode into her room, Abby in tow. Simon sat up on his bed.

“Okay, Si, what’s up?” asked Abby as she plopped onto the beanbag in the corner of the room. Leah perched tentatively on Nick’s bed, looking a bit peeved about not getting to the beanbag first. Nick, who had taken a seat on his desk chair with feet up, kicked his legs down and shifted in the chair to sit backwards in it, facing Simon.

_Here goes nothing_ , Simon thought.

He looked down at his hands. “So, the thing is…” His voice trailed off some. _Say it, Spier_. “The thing is, I’m gay.” And there it was, the rush of adrenaline he’d expected. His face and ears felt hot, and his eyes closed, almost on their own.

No one spoke.

Seconds passed, one agonizing moment after another, and all of a sudden Simon felt Leah’s soft arms wrapping around his shaking body. He opened his eyes, watching as Abby moved from her place on the beanbag and joined the hug. Nick hesitated—he’d never been one for hugs—but Simon could tell he sensed this was important, and after a few seconds Nick crossed the room and wrapped his arms a little awkwardly around the others.

Simon felt his eyes start to water. As his friends pulled away one by one, he moved his eyes over each in turn. Abby looked genuinely happy to have been trusted with a secret so big. Leah’s eyes were also filled with tears, and the expression on her face was a mixture of pain and pride. Nick… well, he was rubbing his neck as if he didn’t quite know what to do, but he was smiling a little. It was a soft smile, a genuine one, one that said _thank you for trusting me, I promise I’ll keep your secret safe._

Not for the first time, Simon found himself thanking whatever higher forces there were that he’d found his friends.

*

The next day was a Sunday. Simon had finished editing the night before, unable to sleep due to the events of the day, and since he didn’t have any classes, he decided to pull out his laptop and check the comments. It wasn’t something Simon was very proud of doing, and he tried not to make a habit of looking at his analytics or comment section, but this video felt different—almost worthy of the little pangs he’d feel in his chest upon reading negativity.

He pulled up the video and began reading. The comments weren’t abnormal for Simon’s videos; they were akin to ones he’d read before, praising his editing skills or arguing with Simon’s points in the review video. None stuck out to him at first, either. None were particularly kind or particularly unkind.

That is, until he ran across one specific comment. It was from an account called Blue Green—certainly a pseudonym—and the user hadn’t updated their profile picture. Funnily, the default profile picture for Blue Green’s account was a deep maroon. Simon’s eyes scanned the comment.

_I loved this. This song stuck out to me and helped me when I was questioning my sexuality, especially the segment with the signs, and I think that you had such a genuine reaction to it. Please email me if you ever need a friend because you are awesome._ [ _bluegreen118@gmail.com_ ](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)

Intrigued, Simon opened a new tab and pulled up his private gmail, the one only he knew about. Quickly, his heart sped up a little—after all, he was about to email someone who had probably picked up on his reaction to the signs—but he shoved the insecurities out of his head.

FROM: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)  
TO: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)  
DATE: December 15, 2019 at 11:23 am  
SUBJECT: You’re too kind

Hey! This is Simon from SimonSays.

Thank you so much for the kind words on my video. I’m glad you enjoyed it. And yeah, the song stuck out to me for a similar reason. I’d never seen the music video before. That was my first time watching it. Could you tell I’m gay? I hope not. It wasn’t exactly supposed to be obvious.

Anyway, you might already know quite a bit about me, but since I don’t know what you know about me, I’ll just start at the beginning.

For the most part, and besides being a YouTuber, my life is completely normal. My dad was the annoyingly handsome quarterback who married the hot valedictorian, and no, they didn’t peak in high school. I have two sisters I actually like—not that I'd ever tell them that—and last year and 200 episodes of Chopped ago, the younger one decided she wanted to be a chef. Which means we’re basically all her test subjects now—she even sends me cookies in the mail!

And then there’s my friends. Of course I had high school friends, but I’ve really only known Abby, Nick, and Leah for a year or so—and it feels like I’ve known them forever. We do everything friends do. We drink way too much iced coffee, film YouTube videos, watch bad 90s movies, and hang out at Waffle House dreaming of life after college and gorging on carbs. So, like I said, I have a totally, perfectly normal college-student YouTuber life.

Except I have one huge-ass secret.

Anyway, thank you again for the comment. I hope to hear back from you, especially considering I just shared my hugest secret with a stranger on the internet. I’m really starting to reconsider this.

I’m just going to send this email before I chicken out.

—Simon


	2. deux

**BRAM**

Bram was filming with Garrett when his phone buzzed next to him. _Stupid_ , he thought, _how could I have forgotten to turn off my phone?_ It was a notification from gmail, he noticed, and immediately, his mind jumped to Simon, and the video, and the comment. Bram’s mind wandered for the rest of the recording. Garrett beat Bram at all five rounds of the game, and Bram couldn’t even bring himself to care, really.

Here was the problem: Simon was cute. Like, Simon was the cutest boy Bram had seen in quite a long time. He’d seen Simon around campus, with Nick or those two other friends of his. It was always hard not to just walk up and start a conversation. But at the same time, it was also hard to do exactly the opposite, regardless of how much Bram wanted to talk to Simon.

Bram had thought his crush had faded over the last month or so, considering soccer and school were ramping up, but the filming day at Nick and Simon’s had crushed that idea.

After Garrett and Bram finished filming, Bram pulled out his laptop and went to gmail. Sure enough, it was an email from Simon. It was cute, the way he talked about his family and friends. He clearly loved them, a lot.

FROM: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)  
TO: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)  
DATE: December 15, 2019 at 2:34 pm  
SUBJECT: Re: you’re too kind

Simon,

I’m a little surprised you replied, honestly. It’s not like every YouTuber emails their fans with a detailed account of their family, friends, and coming out story. Don’t worry about that, by the way—I won’t out you. I’m gay too, Simon. I know what being afraid of coming out is like. I wouldn’t put that on you.

Anyway, a little about me. I’m Georgia born and raised. My parents are divorced, so Savannah—where my dad lives, and where I grew up—and Shady Creek—where my mom lives—are my two homes. And Athens, I suppose, since I live here now.

Did I forget to mention I go to college at the University of Georgia, like you? Probably. I’ve barely exchanged three paragraphs of information about myself with you. Your extent of knowledge about me is as follows: gay, surprised you emailed me back, Georgian, divorced parents. And, to be fair, that’s about all I have going for me.

So, my family’s weird. My dad’s remarried, and his wife—my stepmom? I don’t like calling her that—had a baby my senior year. He’s cute. His name’s Isaac. I don’t know him very well. But I guess, since we’re oversharing to strangers on the internet… I’m afraid Isaac’s going to replace me as the most important son in my dad’s life. There you go. Something to keep secret about me, like I’m keeping secret about your gayness.

I have one good friend. He and I hang out a lot, and we play obscene amounts of video games (mostly his prerogative—I don’t particularly like video games, but I do like being in his good graces). We’re roommates here, too, so that’s helpful.

I’m starting to ramble, too, so I’ll sign off now. Thanks for emailing back. I promise I’ll keep your secrets secret.

—Blue

Bram sighed, a little louder than intended, and closed his laptop. Garrett’s head didn’t look up from his own computer, but he spoke.

“What’s up, Greenfeld?”

“Promise not to be gross about it if I tell you the truth?”

Garrett looked up, then, and shut his laptop. His face was concerned. “Yeah, buddy, let’s hear it.”

Bram didn’t hesitate. “There’s a boy.” He’d been out to Garrett since before they started their gaming channel in junior year, so he doesn’t have to worry about that hurdle.

Garrett’s face turned cheeky. “Oh? And who might this boy be?”

“Oh, you want the _whole_ story. Okay. Get comfortable.” Bram leaned back on his bed and took a deep breath. “So, I’ve always had a little bit of a crush on Simon Spier, at least since I started seeing him around. We had that stupid introduction-to-college class together, you know, the one you can’t test out of? Anyway, yeah, filming at Nick’s definitely reminded me about that crush. So I might have found his YouTube channel and looked at some videos. That’s the first half of the story.”

“Woah, there’s a lot to unpack there, Greenfeld,” Garrett said, smiling a little. “That explains why you were so quiet over at Nick’s. And I didn’t know Spier had a channel!”

“Me neither. It’s a reaction and vlog-style thing—a little cringy, but very Simon. Anyway, he did this reaction to the Pentatonix cover of _Imagine_ by John Lennon—you know, the one with the signs I showed you that one time—and Garrett, if I didn’t see the eyes of a man terrified his reaction to the LGBTQ+ sign would out him, I’ve never seen eyes before. So I posted a comment from my personal YouTube, something about relating to his reaction, and left him my gmail.”

“And?”

“And what?”

Garrett rolled his eyes. “And did he reply? Is he gay?”

“He replied, yes. And as for whether he’s gay or not… well, that’s not my story to tell.” He averted his eyes. Bram knew he wasn’t trying to be insensitive—that wasn’t Garrett, and anyway, the silence from Garrett’s bed was telling. He felt bad. Bram was sure of it.

The two boys fell quiet. Bram got out some homework, and Garrett started to edit the gaming video, and for a few hours, the only sounds in the room were the scratch of Bram’s pencil on his paper and the clicks from Garrett’s keyboard.

*

FROM: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)  
TO: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)  
DATE: December 16, 2019 at 1:15 am  
SUBJECT: aaaugh

Blue, I have a dilemma.

Here’s the situation: My friend Leah has a cover channel, and she just posted a cover of one of my favorite songs. (The song in question? _Waltz #2 (XO)_ by Elliott Smith. Listen and love.) I really want to film a reaction to it, but my other friend Abby keeps nagging me to listen to the album Sweetener by Ariana Grande, and she is _not_ backing off. So, Blue, do I do what I want to and react to Leah’s cover, or do I appease the masses and react to Sweetener?

Also, your baby brother sounds adorable. I don’t think you could be replaced, either. From my experience, the love in a father’s heart can never really run out. And what a coincidence that we’re both at UGA!

Anyway, how would you feel if we just… exchanged questions? It doesn’t have to be anything super serious, but I have a bunch of questions I’ve never been able to ask people. (And I despise the kind of small talk that emails like this tend to fall into.) On the off chance that you’ll say yes, I’ll include one in this email:

How do you feel about your name? You don’t have to tell me what your name is—and in fact, I don’t expect you to—but, like, what are your feelings on it?

—Simon

FROM: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)  
TO: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)  
DATE: December 16, 2019 at 4:21 pm  
SUBJECT: Re: aaaugh

Simon,

Regarding your dilemma, I recommend you start with Leah’s cover. Do them both eventually—Sweetener is amazing—but if you’re not doing what you want to do, your audience will be able to tell. Plus, I think you’ll get better (rawer? more genuine?) footage from Leah’s cover, since the two of you are friends and it’s your favorite song.

Speaking of the song, I listened to it. It’s so… you. So Simon.

I would love to trade questions! To answer yours, I like my name well enough. I go by a shortened version of it, because the long version sounds stuffy. It’s nice, because the nickname feels so _me_ , but the longer version connects me to my dad’s Jewish heritage.

Did I ever tell you my dad’s Jewish? I probably didn’t mention it, since I’m not technically Jewish—Judaism is matrilineal and my mom’s Episcopalian. That’s actually a major reason why I’m afraid of my dad loving Isaac more. I’m his (admittedly closeted) gay, non-Jewish, part-time son, and since Isaac’s mom is Jewish, he’ll grow up to be my dad’s Jewish, full-time son.

Also, I told my roommate about you. I didn’t tell him you’re gay, just that I commented, and that you emailed. I hope that’s okay. He’s a trustworthy guy.

Here’s a question for you: How long do you think you could go without internet access? And how do you feel about your answer?

—Blue


	3. trois

**SIMON**

Simon’s English class got out a bit earlier than normal, and quickly, he fell into his after-class coffee routine. He headed to the little coffeeshop on the ground floor of the English building with his face buried in the email he’d received from Blue. It was a sweet email. Simon felt his ears heat up when he read about how Blue thought _Waltz #2_ was so Simon, and again when Blue wrote about having told his roommate about Simon. 

Arriving at the coffeeshop, Simon stuffed his phone back in his pocket. He noticed a new employee behind the counter, and he looked familiar; Simon recognized the barista from when Nick had invited his friends over to play FIFA. It was the cute boy, Bram, the one he hadn’t been able to stop staring at that day.

“Hey, Simon, right?” the barista asked.

Simon nodded. “I didn’t know you worked here!”

“I didn’t until recently.” Bram chuckled a little, looking into Simon’s eyes. Maybe Simon was imagining that last part, the softness in Bram’s eyes as he set up the register. He hoped not.

“What can I get for you? It seems like you’re a regular, so I’m sorry I don’t know your order yet.” Bram said, and Simon’s heart melted.

“Oh, just an iced coffee with milk is wonderful,” Simon replied, holding out a five-dollar bill. Bram took it and their fingers rubbed together. Bram’s eyes met Simon’s, and Simon looked down bashfully. His face was hot.

“You got it,” Bram said, quieter than before—if that was even possible. Simon smiled at him, then took a seat at one of the tables and pulled out his computer.

FROM: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)  
TO: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)  
DATE: December 17, 2019 at 11:19 am  
SUBJECT: Re: aaaugh

Blue,

I’ve added Sweetener to the list of albums to review, and if Nick’s down, I’ll be filming my reaction to Leah’s video tonight. Thanks for helping me decide. You’re the decisive gay friend I never had.

You didn’t tell me your dad is Jewish. That’s neat. I’m sorry you’re feeling insecure about it, though. I’m not religious, but I know all too well the feeling of not being enough for your parents. For me, it’s the gay thing. Deep down, I know my family will be fine with it—my mom’s about as liberal as they come, and my dad isn’t exactly the macho type. My sisters are straight as far as we know, though, so it’ll definitely be weird at first. No one in my family’s ever had to come out. Alice just… brought her boyfriend Theo home one day, and Nora talks about her crushes like nobody’s business. I’ve always been more private about those things, for obvious reasons. I can’t help but be worried they’ll see me differently.

Regarding your question, I don’t think I could go long without internet. My channel’s basically my baby—I don’t see myself being able to stand more than about a week without it—and all my schoolwork’s on my laptop, too. Plus, there’s you. I know it’s only been a few emails, but I feel connected to you. Something a little deeper than friendship. I feel like we just… get each other. All this to say, I wouldn’t do well without my computer for long, and that makes me kind of sad? What does it say about me that almost my entire life is online?

And I don’t mind that you told your roommate about me. You seem to be a level-headed person with a strong sense of who the good people in your life are, so I trust you. I just ask that you don’t out me.

Speaking of outing—I think I’m going to come out to my family over Christmas break, and I’m planning on posting a coming out video before the new year. It’s getting stuffy in this closet. I think I’m finally ready to be myself, unafraid, uncensored.

Question for you: Favorite color to wear?

—Simon

Bram brought over the coffee, and Simon smiled at him as he sent the email. As he sipped, Simon packed up his bag and headed back to the dorm. The walk was short, and the weather was nice, and Elliott Smith’s voice in his ear reminded him of Blue, and life was good.

*

Christmas music played through the TV speakers as the Spier family sat around the tree opening gifts in a mess of wrapping paper, bows, and boxes. The family had never understood people who opened their presents one by one. That took so long, and anyway, opening them all at once was more fun.

Simon’s mind wasn’t on presents, though, the way his sisters’ were. He slipped his phone out of his pocket and quickly reread the email Blue had sent the day before. It was a hypebeast of an email, as close to a pep talk as Blue had ever gotten.

Stuffing his phone back in his pants pocket, Simon looked around the room at his family. “Hey, guys… I actually have something I wanted to tell you.”

Emily nudged Jack, and Nora and Alice looked up from their presents. “What’s up, Si?”

“Let me guess… you got somebody pregnant. No, you’re pregnant!” Jack joked.

Simon rolled his eyes. “Yeah, Dad, I’m pregnant.” He took a deep breath. “No, actually… I’m gay.” _No going back now_.

“Honey,” Emily breathed, quiet, a little timid.

Simon continued. “And… I’m still me. I don’t want you guys to think anything different of me, and I don’t want this to be a big thing. I’m still Simon.”

“Course you are, bub!” Alice said. Nora smiled at Simon, pride beaming in her eyes. 

“So, which one of your old girlfriends turned you?” Jack broke in with a smile, and was immediately cut off by Nora.

“Jesus Christ, Dad, can you ever shut the hell up?” Nora moved over on the couch, closer to Simon, and Alice shot glances between the members of the family. Jack shook his head, realizing his mistake, and stood up, leaving the room.

Simon handed Nora a box, signaling the end of the conversation. “Here, Nora. This is for you.”

*

FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com  
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com  
DATE: December 25, 2019 at 7:16 am  
SUBJECT: Coming Out Thing

Simon,

Did you do it did you do it did you do it? 

—Blue

FROM: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)  
TO: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)  
DATE: December 25, 2019 at 9:34 am  
SUBJECT: Re: Coming Out Thing

Blue,

I did it. And it was insanely awkward, but also kind of okay. It went just the way I thought it would. My mom was just as accepting as I thought she would have been, and my dad made one of his stupid jokes, and Nora stood up for me, and Alice just looked caught up in the middle of it all.

I’m just glad it’s over with. I never want to do that again.

—Simon

FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com  
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com  
DATE: December 25, 2019 at 9:51 am  
SUBJECT: Re: Coming Out Thing

Simon,

CONGRATULATIONS! This calls for a digital celebration. I’ll attach some Oreos.

I hope your Christmas went well, other than the Coming Out Thing. Mine was fine. I really wasn’t mentally present for Christmas with my mom, mostly because I’ve been worried about how your Coming Out Thing went. I’m glad to hear it was okay, and I’m looking forward to the video.

—Blue


	4. quatre

**BRAM**

Bram found himself back in his dorm room after the holiday break. It was quiet, because Garrett was off with Nick doing some collab video, and Bram had decided to sit it out. He’d pretended like he had homework, and it was honestly a wonder Garrett had believed him—Bram hadn’t had unfinished homework for two weeks, and anyway, he’d just had an entire break to work on schoolwork. Goodness knows there wasn’t much else to do at home with his mom.

So Bram was binging YouTube again, watching Simon’s friend’s channel. He hadn’t bothered changing to his personal YouTube account, especially since he wouldn’t be leaving any comments or likes. He’d finished Simon’s large archive of videos, but he’d actually been quite pulled in by the few collabs Simon had done with Abby, who was one of Simon’s close friends as well as a booktuber. So now he was watching all of Abby’s videos, and trying not to feel awkward about watching so many videos from his internet boyfriend’s female friend when said internet boyfriend didn’t even know who he was, and feeling weird about it anyway.

Woah. Internet _boyfriend._

Bram supposed it wasn’t far from the truth; they’d exchanged a few flirty emails, and Bram had written his number on the coffee holder, that one time Simon had come into the shop. But also, Simon was oblivious, and in related news, Bram and Blue were probably very different people in Simon’s head.

Bram’s computer chimed with a notification, and he refocused his eyes on the screen in time to see the notification before it flicked away. It was an alert that SimonSays had posted a new video. He clicked on the notification, heart rising in his throat.

The screen showed a nervous-looking Simon on the screen in a room Bram didn’t recognize—his childhood bedroom, maybe? His hair was messy, like he’d just woken up, and those eyes… those beautiful moon-gray eyes… they had a scared expression.

"Hey, guys, Simon here from SimonSays!” said the boy on screen. “I hope you're all having a great day. Today's video, as you might have guessed, is a little different. It's not a reaction video and it's not really a vlog either. I don't know what exactly it is, but that's beside the point. At any rate, I have been keeping a secret from all of you since I started this channel and I don't want it to be a secret anymore. You guys know how much I try to be my genuine self with all of you. It's hard for me to keep secrets from you because I feel like I know you so well, all two hundred thousand of you. This has been something I've kept from everyone in my life since I was thirteen, and when I was hiding it from everyone else, it was easier to keep it a secret from my viewers too. But ever since I told my friends, and most recently my family, it's been so freaking hard to keep it from all of you. Basically, I'm gay. 

“I hope you won't think anything different of me now that I've come out. I'm still the same Simon you know, and the react videos and Saturday vlogs won't really change. I'm still me. Now you just know a little bit more about me. I won't bore you to death with details about my questioning process right now, but leave a comment if you want to see a video on that, and I'll maybe make one. I don’t know, maybe we can have a Serious Sunday series or something where I talk about things like this in my life and around the world. Anyway, thank you for watching, and I'll see you around. Simon says goodbye!"

The video ended. It was a good video, expertly edited, short, to the point. Simon was a great editor. Bram smiled; this was a very Simon coming out video. That was nice to see—that Simon wasn’t afraid to be his authentic self anymore, even and especially in the minute details of this very important video.

He opened a new tab on his computer and went to gmail, pulling up a new thread with Simon’s email address.

FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com  
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com  
DATE: December 30, 2019 at 11:38 am  
SUBJECT: Coming Out Thing Part 2: Electric Boogaloo

Simon,

I saw your video! Congratulations! You’re officially out to the world. It’s a beautiful video, Simon, too—very you. I’m so proud of you.

In celebration, enjoy this playlist of songs I think you should listen to. Some are gay, some aren’t, some definitely have homoerotic subtext, and some are just good songs…

  * Wasteland, Baby! | Hozier
  * oh GOD | Orla Gartland
  * Are You Bored Yet? | Wallows
  * The Story | Conan Gray
  * Dog Days Are Over | Florence + The Machine
  * Generation Why | Conan Gray
  * Strawberries & Cigarettes | Troye Sivan



At any rate, again, I’m proud of you. Coming out is not easy, and you’ve got to be a really strong person to go through with it. I can’t wait for the day when I’m ready to come out and meet you. I promise, I’m getting close.

—Blue

As Bram wrote, he felt his cheeks heating up. He had quite a bit of a crush on Simon. Actually, it was a little bit of a problem, how much of a crush he had on Simon. Especially since Simon only knew the grammatical, intelligent, curated, eloquent, _online_ persona that was Blue, and not the awkward mess of a Bram that got tongue-tied around cute boys. So he tried to push the feelings down, although obviously, it didn’t work. They’re called crushes for a reason, Bram supposed, and that reason was probably that crushes destroy every other thought you can have. When Bram thought about Simon, all his other ideas for videos, his worries, his to-be-read lists were crushed in favor of thinking about Simon.

He clicked back onto the coming out video, and started scrolling through the comments. For the most part, they were overwhelmingly positive, and kind, and sweet; Bram reported the few that weren’t. Hopefully they’d get taken down. Simon deserved nothing but love.


	5. cinq

**SIMON**

Simon went through the comments on his videos pretty regularly—replying to the nice ones and even sometimes joking back at the hate comments—but he’d made a pact with himself not to look at the comments on his coming out video.

He held that pact up for about twenty minutes, at which point he received a notification that thirteen comments on his new video “An Announcement” had been reported to him for review. Simon scrolled through them, realizing their hateful nature. Pangs went off in his chest as he read and deleted each one. Quickly, Simon also realized that all the comments had been reported by the same channel.

Interested, he clicked on the channel’s name: _FIFAnatics - FIFA and Variety Games_. The channel, like his own, was semi-large, and seemed to have a pretty devoted group of core fans which watched each video. The videos were mostly FIFA, as advertised. A few videos were story games. Those seemed to be a guilty pleasure of the channel’s owners—they got fewer views and likes than the FIFA ones, but they appeared often enough it was obvious the owners really liked filming them.

He clicked on a video, posted yesterday. The first thing Simon noted was that the channel used facecam. The second thing he noted was that he knew the boys in the facecam. Simon couldn’t place the face of the muscled white boy on the right at first, but he immediately recognized the Black boy on the left to be Cute Bram of the soccer calves and iced coffee. Then he remembered the white boy, too—the two other YouTubers had come over to Simon’s own apartment to film with Nick, and this one was Garrett.

Why in the world would Cute Bram or Muscle Garrett have reported all the homophobic comments on Simon’s coming out video?

Simon shook his head, clicking back to the channel’s main page, and started reading through the video titles. They were all similar: short, slightly clickbaity, and they _screamed_ straight white sports star. They didn’t tell him much about the videos in question. Simon supposed that was because the FIFA content didn’t have a lot of variation to talk about in a title.

He scrolled down to the playlist titled _Story Games_ and clicked on the first video he saw—a twelve-hour-long playthrough of a game called Life is Strange. He’d heard of the game a few times, when Leah and Abby had played it in an overnight marathon, and he’d been vaguely interested. No time like the present, he supposed, to get engrossed in a new game. Best of all, the facecam showed only Cute Bram—no Garrett.

Simon laid back in his bed and grabbed the Oreos from his nightstand. For the moment, the coming out video and the homophobic comments vanished from his mind as he let himself be swept up in the adventures of photography student Max Caulfield.

*

Simon didn’t stop the video for anything except using the restroom and refilling his Oreo stash until it finished. He’d loved the game, thought it was such a cool concept. He’d also been drawn to the idea of watching Cute Bram play video games for twelve hours, to be fair—that was certainly a bonus. Bram was good at creating an experience of a video game. It had been a streamed video, originally, so there was quite a bit of interaction between Bram and the stream chat. He didn’t speak over the characters in the game. He just… let the conversation between himself and his viewers flow _around_ the game, instead of _over_ it. That was cool.

And it was neat to get to hear more about Bram. Among other things, he’d learned from the video that Bram had grown up in Savannah and that his parents were divorced; that he had no favorite book, but that he loved Harry Potter; that his favorite punctuation mark was a semicolon; that he listened to mostly what he dubbed “bedroom pop”; and that he was apparently the star of Nick’s soccer team. _You’d never know that, with what Nick says,_ thought Simon, and chuckled to himself. It was good to break into Bram’s hard, mysterious shell and learn about him, even if only digitally.

As he powered down his computer for the night and started getting ready for bed, he realized he’d left his phone off all day. It had quite a few notifications. Simon supposed that made sense. He had, after all, published his coming out video and then… disappeared from the face of the earth for twelve hours. He read through the notifications: Nick was going to be late getting back—which explained where he’d been all night—Leah and Abby wanted hugs, his parents were proud.

And there were two emails from Blue.

Simon turned his computer back on and went to gmail. The first email was a playlist and a congratulations, but the second looked a little more substantial, as far as the content went.

FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com  
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com  
DATE: December 30, 2019 at 8:51 pm  
SUBJECT: Re: Coming Out Thing Part 2: Electric Boogaloo

Simon,

I hope you’re doing okay. You’ve been quiet since you posted your video. I think you might need a distraction, so here’s a question for you: Which character(s), in any fandom, do you headcanon as queer?

For me: All the main characters from Merlin (except Uther, Leon, and Gaius), Jake Peralta from Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Willow and Andy from Liv & Maddie, Jo March, and obviously Draco Malfoy from Harry Potter.

Let me know. I’m always excited to hear about new, vaguely homoerotically charged content.

—Blue

And Simon realized, halfway through the email, the staggering amount of similarities that existed between Blue, his online boyfriend, and Bram, the boy with perfect soccer calves and the soft smile that made Simon’s heart melt.

  1. Bram’s parents were divorced. So were Blue’s.
  2. Bram had grown up in Savannah. So had Blue.
  3. Bram went to UGA. So did Blue.
  4. Bram loved bedroom pop. So did Blue.
  5. Bram was cute and grammatical. So was Blue.
  6. Bram loved Harry Potter. So did Blue.
  7. And Bram’s account had reported the comments to Simon. Not Blue’s.



Hands shaking, Simon opened a new email.


	6. six

**BRAM**

FROM: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)  
TO: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)  
DATE: December 31, 2019 at 2:24 am  
SUBJECT: Re: Coming Out Thing Part 2: Electric Boogaloo

Blue,

I’m doing fine, don’t worry. My phone was just off, and I was caught up watching a video. Yes, I was watching a video for twelve hours straight. Yes, it was only one video. Yes, I am aware that I am a disaster.

Drarry was a big part of my sexual awakening, in a way. When Daniel Radcliffe started showing up in my dreams around the time we watched Harry Potter my sixth grade year, I found myself up late at night, scrolling through all the Draco/Harry fics ao3 and fanfiction.net had to offer. And boy, they had a _lot_ to offer. Yeah. Not super proud of my Harry Potter phase.

As far as characters go… I think the main one I can think of is Max Caulfield from Life is Strange. She’s so clearly bi. Like, she has the Bisexual Bob, and she’s into photography, and she just… she screams bi to me. Please tell me you agree. I don’t think I can have an internet crush on someone whose gaydar doesn’t work.

—Simon

FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com  
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com  
DATE: December 31, 2019 at 12:46 pm  
SUBJECT: Re: Coming Out Thing Part 2: Electric Boogaloo

Simon,

I hope you slept last night! Seems like it was a late one. That video must have been dang good.

YES. Max is so clearly bi. I’m glad we agree on that. I also don’t think I could have an internet crush on someone who doesn’t like that video game. Did I tell you it’s my favorite? I keep trying to get my roommate to play it with me, but he seems to never have time. I can’t tell if he’s genuinely always at soccer practice as late as he says, or if he just… doesn’t think the game is interesting.

Also, Simon… you inspired me. I think I’m going to come out to my parents. Tonight. Wish me luck. If you don’t hear from me, I’ve probably been murdered. ;)

—Blue

FROM: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)  
TO: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)  
DATE: December 31, 2019 at 1:13 pm  
SUBJECT: Coming Out Thing Part 3: A Cat in a Tree

Blue,

I believe in you! Good luck telling your parents. I’m sure, if it goes poorly, my mom would be happy to take on another son… but then again, I don’t think I could daydream about kissing an adopted brother as much as I daydream about kissing you…

I hope that wasn’t too forward.

Anyway, let me know how it goes. I’m thinking of you.

—Simon

FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com  
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com  
DATE: December 31, 2019 at 4:42 pm  
SUBJECT: Re: Coming Out Thing Part 3: A Cat in a Tree

Simon,

That wasn’t too forward. Is it crazy to daydream about kissing your insanely cute, smart, talented YouTuber internet boyfriend?

I did it, by the way! My mom was great. She took it really well. I think she knew—but I have no idea how, because I’ve been very careful to hide any signs from her. I guess that’s just the power of a mother’s love. She also gave me this whole speech about how I need to use condoms Every Time Including Oral. She wouldn’t listen when I told her I’m not sexually active.

My dad was a little more awkward, and a lot less involved. I think that’s for the best. He has a whole other family to deal with—why be worried about me? He was nice about it, though. He apologized for getting me a book by Casanova for Hanukkah.

I’m excited. I feel ready to face the world.

—Blue

FROM: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)  
TO: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)  
DATE: January 1, 2020 at 1:13 am  
SUBJECT: I have something I need to say…

Blue,

CONGRATULATIONS! I’m attaching Oreos. Sorry to hear about the mortification with your mom and the whole Casanova thing with your dad. But I’m so proud of you! Like you said when I came out, coming out is so hard, and it takes a special kind of person to get the guts to do it. I knew you could do it. What a way to ring in the new year. <3

And… I have something I need to tell you.

I’m almost positive I know who you are.

—Simon

FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com  
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com  
DATE: January 1, 2020 at 7:51 am  
SUBJECT: Re: I have something I need to say…

Simon,

Guess away. I’m finally ready to be my whole self.

Love, Blue

FROM: [hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com](mailto:hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com)  
TO: [bluegreen118@gmail.com](mailto:bluegreen118@gmail.com)  
DATE: January 1, 2020 at 9:45 am  
SUBJECT: Re: I have something I need to say…

Blue,

I’m going to pretend like I’m not totally freaking out about how you signed that email. Here we go…

  1. You play on a soccer team with my roommate, and you have incredible soccer calves.
  2. Your real name and email start with the same letter.
  3. You work at the coffeeshop in the English building.
  4. You reported all the homophobic comments on my coming out video using the channel you share with your roommate.
  5. You get me completely and utterly tongue-tied.



Love, Simon

FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com  
TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com  
DATE: January 1, 2020 at 10:13 am  
SUBJECT: Re: I have something I need to say…

Simon,

  1. And really? I guess so…
  2. Not technically, but I’ll give it to you.
  3. I do.
  4. Oops, I must have forgotten to switch. Yes.
  5. Wow.



Are you disappointed that it’s me?

Love, Bram

(404) XXX-XXXX

Bram’s phone dinged in his pocket. He pulled it out, completely disregarding the fact that he and Garrett were in the middle of a FIFA match. Without words, Garrett hit him on the arm. It didn’t hurt.

 **(11:01am) Unknown Number:** bram? this is simon.

 **(11:01am) Bram:** Oh my gosh, hi. You have no idea how many times I have failed to get this digital soccer ball into this pixelated net in the last twenty minutes. Meet me at Waffle House in an hour?

 **(11:02am) Simon:** you got it <3

Garrett had paused the game, and was craning his neck to try to read the words on Bram’s screen. Bram turned off his phone. “Garrett?”

“Yeah, Bramalamb?”

“Can you help me choose a shirt to wear to Waffle House within the next ten minutes?”

Garrett’s face spread into a wide grin. “Atta boy!”

*

Prompt as always, Bram found himself in the booth ten minutes before noon. He was dressed in a blue button-down: symbolic, nice enough to be date material, but not so nice he’d hate himself for spilling syrup on it. His phone buzzed with a text from Nick, containing Simon’s Waffle House order. The next time the waitress walked by, Bram flagged her down and ordered for himself and Simon.

Simon slid into the booth promptly at 11:59, dressed in a nice green T-shirt and a jean jacket. The two slid into natural conversation quickly, picking up where the emails had left off and talking about anything and everything. It was perfect.

After finishing their meals, the two boys paid, tipped their waitress, and left the restaurant. Bram verbalized his thoughts. "Simon, I really want to hold your hand."

Simon responded with the confidence of a king. "So hold it."

And Bram did.

For a January day, the weather was beautiful, so they decided to take a quick walk around the block. As they reached an intersection and pressed the walk sign, Bram felt Simon’s eyes on him, so he turned to look at the other boy. “Simon, what’s up?”

“I really want to kiss you.” The words were soft, quiet like a breath in the air, and Simon’s eyes were focused on Bram. 

Bram smiled. “So kiss me.”

And Simon did.

**Author's Note:**

> the pentatonix music video simon reacts to can be found here: https://youtu.be/NLiWFUDJ95I


End file.
